


A Softer Word for Ruminating

by keefling



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marijuana, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 11:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keefling/pseuds/keefling
Summary: When everything becomes too much, Molly is there to fix it.





	A Softer Word for Ruminating

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I can't sleep.

Caleb had gotten used to public transportation.  Rather, he had gotten used to dreading the discomfort and overstimulation that riding the train at rush hour caused him.  His body thrummed with anxiety until his weary mind began levitating above his physical form for the duration of the ride home. 

Caleb was dimly aware of his surroundings as he walked the few blocks from the station to his apartment, just lucid enough to safely cross the street.  The full weight of consciousness collided with the his corporeal body when he dragged himself through the front door, nearly crushing him under the day’s stress and a rush of emotions that he had only been able to hold back by his brief dissociative state. 

Molly bounded towards him as soon as Caleb entered the door, his tail waving happily behind him as he pulled Caleb into a hug.  “Welcome home, sweetheart,” he said.  “I made dinner.  Come sit down and I’ll get you a plate, yeah?” 

The house was too bright, the smell of cooking food was too strong and the presence of his excitable boyfriend was too intense for Caleb to process all at once.  He watched in horror as his own arms pushed Molly away.  It was the opposite of what Caleb wanted to do, but after being jostled around and sandwiched between bodies on the train, he could not stand anymore physical contact. 

Molly’s smile faded but he stepped away to give Caleb space.  “Hey, you okay?” he asked, worried. 

“No,” Caleb snapped, feeling his eyes prickle and his throat close up.  He pushed past Molly and into the bedroom, kicked off his shoes, threw coat on the floor and collapsed on top of the duvet.  He was grateful for the darkness until Molly turned on the light and followed him inside.

“Caleb?  Are you okay?  What happened? Is something wrong?“ Molly asked.  So many questions that Caleb did not have the energy to answer.  Why couldn’t Molly just read his fucked up mind? Caleb stiffened when Molly took a seat on the bed. 

“Nothing happened,” Caleb moaned.  “I am fine.  I’m fucking fine.  I am just like this, awful and mean and....I am a piece of shit, Molly, you should know that—“

“Hey, now.  None of that nonsense, Caleb,”  Molly said, sternly but gently.  Molly sat cross-legged on the bed and the movement made Caleb want to punch things.  He was so sick of moving; he wished everything would stand still and motionless for a while.  He bolted from the bed as soon as he felt Molly’s hand touch his hair. 

“Don’t,” Caleb hissed.  His eyes burned, yet his eyes remained dry.  Fuck, why couldn’t he cry? Because he was a monster, he told himself.  He blinked at Molly, who looked worried and rejected and Caleb wished he could rewind the past five minutes and walk into the door like a normal fucking person.  “ _ Ach, scheisse, _ ” Caleb croaked.  “I’m sorry.  Please, I cannot handle touch right now.  I’m sorry.” Caleb’s voice shook as he pleaded for understanding.  Molly was so kind, and Caleb was treating him like garbage, backing away as if Molly was trying to hurt him.

“That’s okay.  I won’t touch you anymore, promise.  What do you need right now, Caleb? You can tell me.” Molly said, softly.  He was always so good like that.  Caleb didn’t deserve him.  Caleb didn’t even know what he needed. 

“I’m, ah....going to the living room,” Caleb said, backing up through the doorway.  “I need to be alone right now, um....I’m sorry.” Without waiting for Molly to reply, he turned around and hurried through the kitchen and into the next room. 

Caleb was both relieved and disappointed that Molly did not follow him.  Why? Just so he could tell Molly to leave again? Caleb hated the part of himself that wanted attention just as much as he hated the part of himself that didn’t appreciate it when Molly gave it to him.  It was dark but he found the sofa and curled up, shaking with excess energy.  By focusing on the cool, faux-leather cushion against his cheek, Caleb was able to relax enough to focus on his breathing. 

It didn’t help.  He thought about Molly, alone in the bedroom.  He thought about the dinner that Molly had made for them, getting cold on the stove.  He thought about how much work Molly put into loving him, even after all this time.  This was how Caleb repaid him, by lashing out and closing up and shutting Molly out.  He let out a miserable whimper and his eyes finally welled up with tears that streaked across his face and fell on the sofa.  Caleb sobbed freely into his sleeve to muffle his shuddering breaths and pathetic whines while he rubbed his eyes on the other sleeve.  He was afraid that Molly would hear him crying like the pathetic man that he was, unable to stop until he cried himself dry. 

Caleb sat up, gasping through his mouth and feeling around for tissues that weren’t there.  He sniffled, wiped his nose on his shoulder and hugged his knees to his chest.  A good ten minutes passed before his wits returned to him.  He wanted to find Molly and apologize for being a wreck, but Caleb felt embarrassed for making such a scene.  He had hurt Molly, who probably didn’t want to see him anyway, so Caleb continued to sit in the dark and count the minutes as they crept by.  Maybe he would sleep on the couch and slip out early the next morning. 

Caleb caught himself nodding off a couple of times when his head lurched forward.  He was exhausted and he ached for his bed, but he had sentenced himself to isolation, so the sofa was where he would stay.  He stretched out and pulled a blanket off the back of the sofa that only covered him to his knees.  He had only closed his eyes for a few minutes before he heard footsteps and the  _ thunk _ of something heavy on the coffee table. 

“Caleb?” Molly said, softly.  Caleb‘s eyes had adjusted enough to see Molly standing next to him. 

“ _ Ja, hallo, _ ” Caleb said, sitting up to make room for Molly.  “You can, um, sit, please.” 

Molly sat but maintained a respectful distance from Caleb as he had requested.  “Feeling any better?” 

“A little,” Caleb answered.  When he sniffed again, Molly shoved a was of tissues into his hand.  Caleb blew his nose, disgusted by the sound of it.  He let out a displeased groan, but he was grateful that he could sort-of breath again.  “I got overwhelmed,” he explained. “I’m sorry.  Everything was too much.  At work, coming home, ah....everything.”

“One of those days, hmm?” Molly said and Caleb nodded, knowing Molly could see him even in the dark. 

“I didn’t mean to freak out on you,” Caleb said.  

“I understand,” Molly replied.  “I’m not upset.  I just wanted to make sure you were safe.” 

“I am,” Caleb said.  “I just....I lost myself for a bit.”

Molly hummed in understanding.  “I brought you something, if you want it.”  Molly reached for the object on the table and Caleb recognized it as the bong Molly usually only brought out when their friends came over.  When Molly smoked, he often used a vape, knowing that Caleb was sensitive to strong smells. 

“Ah, what is the occasion?” asked Caleb, watching the reflection on the glass from the street lights outside.  He scooted closer to Molly until he could lean against the tiefling’s shoulder. 

“No occasion,” Molly answered, flicking a lighter in his hand.  “I thought this might help you relax a bit.  I can put it away if—“

“ _ Scheisse, _ give it to me,” Caleb growled, eagerly.  Molly chuckled and placed the bong in Caleb’s lap.  The glass was cool and the weight felt nice on top of his legs.  Caleb thought he might be the only person who was comforted simply by the tactile sensation of holding a bong. 

“I’ll light it,” Molly offered.  “Just inhale.” Caleb put his mouth to the opening at the end of the thick glass neck.  Molly held the flame to the bowl, making the edge glow as the weed began to burn. 

Caleb inhaled deeply, the sound of bubbling water filling the quiet room.  With his lungs full of smoke, he passed the bong to Molly and held his breath until the burning in his lungs made him exhale with a few deep coughs.

“F-fuck,” Caleb wheezed, dropping his head back and immediately feeling his brain fog over.  Every worry that had clung to him throughout the day dispersed like the smoke that rose towards the ceiling.  In a matter of seconds, Caleb couldn’t remember why he had been so upset in the first place. 

Molly did the same beside him but only coughed once.  He stamped out the embers with the butt of the lighter and set the bong back on the table.  Caleb leaned heavily on Molly, feeling their bodies melt together as every muscle relaxed in succession. 

“You good?” Molly asked and Caleb hummed contently.  He took Molly’s hands in his own and admired how soft and elegant they were.  Why had he not wanted to touch Molly before? Molly was amazing and he had such lovely hands. 

“I love you,” Caleb murmured happily into Molly’s shoulder.  Molly was comfortable and warm and gentle and kind and Caleb loved him so, so much. 

“Love you too,” Molly echoed, giggling when Caleb tickled his palm.

“Can we go to bed?” Caleb murmured, as if moving himself from one place to another was something he was eager to do. 

“Of course,” Molly said.  “I’m fucking starving, though.“

“Ah, me too,” Caleb said, guiltily realizing that he had, once again, forgotten to eat since breakfast.  “Can we eat in bed?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” Molly whispered, giggling. 

“ _ Ja, _ okay, well...” Caleb groaned dramatically as he defied gravity and pushed himself up from the couch.  He helped Molly up and held on until he was sure that he could walk.  “I will keep the bed warm for you.”    
  
“You’re too sweet,” Molly cooed, kissing Caleb’s cheek before letting him go so that Molly could microwave their dinner.  

Caleb shuffled into the bedroom.  He stripped down to his t-shirt and underwater and slid between the covers.  The bed felt more comfortable than it ever had; the sheets were soft and he sank into mattress, feeling safe and heavy under the weight of the winter duvet.  He perked up when Molly handed him his plate, dimmed the lamp and climbed into bed next to Caleb.  The smell of food that had once turned his stomach was almost as alluring as the food was delicious, but the meal was gone before Caleb was done enjoying it. 

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” Caleb sighed, handing Molly his empty plate to stack with Molly’s on the bedside table.  Even if he was still hungry, he suddenly felt too tired to eat anymore.  He snuggled further into the sheets, pressed himself against Molly’s warm side and continued, “Thank you, Molly.  Thank you so much.  Gods, you’re wonderful.”

“You’re welcome, Caleb.  I only do what I can,” Molly said.  This time, Caleb almost purred when Molly stroked his hair.  “Help yourself any time you need it, sweetheart.”

“Ah, your weed?  Are you sure?“

“I don’t mind,” Molly said.  “Anxiety fucking sucks, Caleb.  Never think that you have to suffer by yourself.” 

“ _ Ja, _ ” Caleb managed before yawning deeply.  He thought he should brush his teeth.  He also thought he would much rather stay in bed with the love of his life in a drug-induced haze and only soft, gentle feelings tickling his brain as his thoughts came and went. 

Caleb returned to playing with Molly’s hands under the covers, stroking his palms and linking their fingers together in every different way that they would fit.  He would do whatever he had to do to make this life with Molly work, even if it was hard, even if he broke sometimes under the weight of the world and the pressure of living.  He knew that Molly would always be there to help him up and reassure him that he wasn’t as terrible a person as his bad brain made him believe. 


End file.
